The questions nobody asks the mother

How is the baby sleeping? How much does the baby weigh? Is it a good baby?

After a baby arrives, the questions come quickly, and almost all of them are about the baby. They come from love. But somewhere in those first weeks, many mothers notice that nobody is asking about them.

I believe the most important question of postpartum is the one almost no one asks. How are you?

The questions I wish someone had asked

Not "how are you" said quickly at the door, with "good" already expected as the answer. I mean the real version, asked slowly, by someone who is ready to hear whatever comes.

These are the questions I wish more mothers heard.

Did you sleep? Not how the baby slept. How you slept. How many hours in a row, and when was the last time you rested without listening for a cry.

Did you eat? A real meal, sitting down, or crackers standing over the sink. So many new mothers forget to eat and drink while they are busy feeding someone else.

How is your body? Your body is healing, whether your birth was vaginal or a cesarean. Soreness, bleeding, stitches, breasts, back. These deserve attention too, and questions about them belong with your OB or midwife, not in silence.

How is your head? Your thoughts, your mood, your worries. Are you crying more than you expected, feeling numb, or feeling like you are not quite yourself?

What would help today? Not in general. Today. One thing.

They are simple questions. That is exactly why it is so strange how rarely anyone asks them.

If no one is asking, you can start

I know some of you are reading this alone, in the middle of the night, with no one around to ask you anything. So let me say it here. You are allowed to ask yourself these questions, and you are allowed to answer honestly.

If the answer is "I have not eaten since breakfast," that is not a failure. It is information. Maybe it means keeping a snack and a bottle of water wherever you feed the baby. Maybe it means asking someone to bring lunch tomorrow.

If the answer to "how is your head" worries you, if you feel hopeless, very anxious or not like yourself, and it is not easing, please tell your OB, midwife or doctor. You do not have to wait until it gets worse. Saying it out loud is a form of care.

For the people around her

If you are a partner, a mother, a sister or a friend reading this, here is something small you can do. The next time you visit, ask about her before you ask about the baby.

Then do something with the answer. Make the sandwich. Hold the baby while she showers. Sit with her while she cries, without rushing to fix it.

The baby matters deeply. So does the person recovering, learning, feeding, healing and holding so much.

Sometimes the question is the care. Being asked, really asked, is a way of being seen, and every mother deserves that.

So tonight, from me to you. How are you?